This post was most recently updated on May 17th, 2015
I like order. I like schedules, lists, calendars, neatly filed papers, organized pantries, folded laundry and tidy surfaces. I am, unfortunately, the only member of my household who feels this way. My husband has never met a flat surface he didn’t want to cover with piles of stuff. This is why, if you were to visit my home, you would wonder, “Where are the end tables on which to sit my drink?” I’ve removed them, you see. I couldn’t re-train him to stop stacking so I simply eliminated the surfaces on which he stacks. My four children are blind. Well, they’re blind to their clutter scattered around our house. When asked why their room isn’t picked up or their clothes/toys/books/electronic devices are not put away, their response is most often, “It is!” Even though it’s sitting right there on the sofa/chair/table/counter/floor. I purchased a computer armoire for my office (which is a generous description for the corner of the dining room I use as an office space) with the idea that I could keep the area clutter free, or in the event that I was not quite finished with a task, at least close the doors and keep the mess hidden from view. What actually happens is this: Anytime someone (not me) doesn’t want to walk all the way to their room to put something away – it gets put inside Mama’s desk. The doors are quickly shut and if the magnetic latches hold – voila! It’s out of sight and Mama never knows the difference. Until, of course, she opens the doors on her desk to work and she’s buried under an avalanche of Daddy’s receipts, instruction manuals for electronic toys, DVD cases, marker drawings of faeries and rainbows and holiday cards addressed to four children. Once, I even found a shoe tucked away inside, wedged behind the computer monitor. My point is that, while I enjoy the serenity that stems from and orderly and tidy environment, I find it nearly impossible to achieve such a goal. It frustrates me to no end and I find myself at odds with my family far too often. I give them the, ‘when you are in a tidy space, your mind will feel clearer and you can function better’ speech at least once a week. They always listen politely, voice their understanding of the life lesson I’m imparting, agree to work with me rather than against me … then promptly get up from their seat and walk away, leaving their hairbrush, library book or socks sitting in their spot. GRRRR!
When I had my first child, it was easy to continue keeping a perfect house. While he was napping or playing, I was still able to clean, do dishes, laundry – whatever needed to be done. There was plenty of time in the day. Then the second child came along and things got a little more tricky, but I just worked a little harder and kept up. When we moved into a much smaller house, had more kids and somehow acquired more stuff, I gave up for a while, thinking there was just no way to have a neat house with this many people in such a small space. And then I realized that my attitude was spreading to my children – they had given up, too. And that was the wake-up call I needed to find a solution that satisfied my need for order and at the same time improved all of our mindsets.
My original practice was to go around picking up all the things they left out, grumbling and fuming about their inconsiderate behavior, piling all their stuff at the dining room table in front of their respective seats then yelling at them to come get it and put it away before I threw it away. It accomplished the main goal of getting the house straightened up, but left me angry and the kids no more interested in picking up after themselves. Likewise, with my husband and his incessant stacking – I picked up his piles and passive/aggressively put it all on his office chair. This was a bit of a double-edged sword. Because, while I did get his stuff out of my way, I was actually interfering with his work and this made him pretty aggravated. I kindly pointed out to him a couple of times that if he would just pick up his own mess when I asked him to, I wouldn’t have to do it and he could put it where he wanted. Which did not go over well. So. In an effort to decrease the amount of stress in my life, I decided to work on changing my own attitude towards this situation. Not to say that I would give up on teaching the children (or DH for that matter) the importance of being neat and organized, but that I would try to be less bothered by the process. It was extremely difficult for me at first. And to be honest, it’s still a sticking point in my journey to a stress-free life. But I’m making progress. I stopped picking up after everyone and started insisting they pick up after themselves. Immediately. When I find a brush or a toy or a book somewhere it isn’t supposed to be and no one is currently using it, I notify the owner and they are required to take the object to its proper home. Now, I know they don’t go into their rooms and put the thing away just like that. I’ve seen their rooms on a given day and I know they set it on top of their dresser or their bed, it gets knocked off onto the floor where it stays until Saturday rolls around and I make them clean their rooms. Which I inspect. But there’s no more discussion about why or by whom or when said item was left out, just the instruction to deal with it. This lack of arguing means less frustration for me which translates to less stress. Cut and dried: It’s yours, put it away. And if you don’t put it away now, you’ll just have that much more to do when room cleaning time rolls around on Saturday. And you’ll clean until it’s done to my satisfaction or you will do it over. So if you want to go outside and play, or watch that show you’ve been excited about or whatever it is that you want to do, you’ll clean your room up right the first time and be done with it. I do slip in a comment every so often about keeping your stuff picked up daily, which will result in a very fast Saturday clean-up and lots more fun time. It’s working… slowly, but working nonetheless. Progress is progress and I’ll take what I can get.
I only have a few more years with these children to teach them everything they need to know about how to be organized, productive, responsible adults. So every positive example I can set for them is important. And while I am working to show them how beneficial it is, keeping their surroundings clean and neat, I hope I’m also showing them that a good attitude can go a long way towards making any situation more pleasant. I think they have noticed that there is less clutter than there used to be. And that I’m less angry about the leftover clutter that still accumulates. (I hope you weren’t thinking I’d completely eliminated the clutter problem – we’re a family with four kids, for crying out loud!) Truly, a less stressed-out Mama makes a huge difference in the attitude of the whole house. So I will continue to hold the husband and kids to a certain standard of behavior and hold myself to the idea not to be frustrated, stressed out and cranky when they don’t always measure up to the 100% mark. It’s our journey and I think we’re all learning a lot along the way.
