This post was most recently updated on July 11th, 2015
I think to the outside world, I present a picture of someone who’s very calm, collected and generally together. But it’s all a fake-out of magnificent proportion. Those who know me well know I’m rarely calm, and am frequently and utterly un-collected. But they love me anyway, which is wonderful, I must say.
I’ve mentioned before that we home school our four children. Technically, only three of them are “in school.” The fourth is almost 3 and he’s present while the others are working, but he doesn’t do any formal school work at this point. But I know he’s learning a great deal because he’s already able to outsmart his Mama. Or maybe Mama just isn’t that smart to begin with. Whatever.
The point being that I spend a huge portion of each day teaching, encouraging, guiding, and sometimes scolding them through their studies. The rest of the day is used to plan & prep meals for 6 (three times a day, every day); do laundry; keep up with bills and finances for both the Farm & our personal finances; write & blog; and take care of any one of the million or so other tasks that always fall to Mama. It’s kind of a big job, this Farm Mama gig.
Most days, I get into a rhythm and manage to at least accomplish 1 or 2 of the really important things before bedtime. Some days, the pep talk I give myself during my morning shower can carry me through until 1:30 or 2:00, which is what I like to call the beginning of “Happy Hour.” Others refer to it as nap time. Either way, I scoot the toddler off to bed and try to squeeze in as much productivity as humanly (or super-humanly) possible before The Skink reappears around 3:30. It’s a scramble, but I like to think of it as my personal Iron Mom Challenge.
There are days, however, when it all seems wrong. When I can’t seem to focus or accomplish one single thing. Days when my spirit is so weary, worn, and frazzled that I only want to find a quiet corner and cry. Of course, finding a quiet corner in this zoo is all but impossible. And my well-meaning family doesn’t understand that Mama’s tears may just be simple stress relief, so they want to pat and pester and question, “What’s wrong?” On those kinds of days, I can’t seem to articulate why I’m feeling so overwhelmed, so I’m left with the standard Mama response, “Nothing.” They never believe me, but they’ve at least learned to just roll with it and let me wallow in my watery misery for a little while.
Moms everywhere will certainly understand what I’m trying to explain here. We all experience such feelings from time to time, don’t we? I, myself, often feel like I’m failing my kids. We chose to home school to give them more opportunities for an individualized education. But the downside of that is that the entire burden for their education falls on my shoulders. That’s a lot of pressure. Additionally, as a single income family, I feel like it’s my duty to make my husband’s earnings stretch as far as possible. Providing food, shelter, clothing, education, activities, medical, dental and vision care for 4 children is tough. Feathering our nest so that we have a cozy, comfortable home on a tight budget is also tough. squish – I’m feeling even more pressure. The funny thing about kids and husbands is that they want to eat … every day. Usually more than once. I love to cook, but figuring out what to fix every single day, three times a day, seven days a week can be exhausting. My kids are getting to an age where they don’t get along with each other so well and I feel like I spend most of my time refereeing fight after drama-laden fight. More pressure, more pressure.
It wears me down. And I still can’t adequately express just what it is that’s bothering me, because I chose this life. And I love it, I really do. I have a fabulous husband and really fantastic kids. They bring me such joy. And stress. It’s a crazy dichotomy and it makes me sound crazy (at best) or ungrateful to ever complain about it.
For the past couple months, I’ve had more of those days than I’d like to admit. There have been a lot of changes (something I’m not good with in my best moments) around here lately. Our oldest child is heading into high school – totally uncharted home school territory – and I’m super anxious about making sure he gets all his credits and that I record everything properly. I don’t want to screw up his future with a poorly constructed transcript. My husband’s career path is taking some really winding curves right now. Also, I’m so ready to be in our forever home and the waiting, waiting, waiting, to see how (and more importantly, when) that’s going to happen is driving me crazy. And to top it all off, I discovered I have a fungus under my big toenail from wearing polish all the time. I’m irrationally and disproportionately upset about that.
My aforementioned fabulous husband does everything he can to alleviate my worries and anxieties. Believe me, it’s no small task. Usually, even if it takes a few days, he’s able to put me back in my right mind. Or as right as it ever gets, at least. It’s one of the many, many things I adore about him. Every Mama should have someone who can reassure, comfort and encourage her this way.
Anyway, he’s got a plan, he says, to effectively erase my stress. I can’t wait to find out what it is. And I can’t wait to feel less, wrong. I’m ready to get back to juggling everything in my life with a smile rather than a sigh. I have confidence that he’s going to be able to snap me out of my funk and put me back on the bright side. Maybe he can even take care of that toenail thing …
Love & Blessings,
Farm Mama
