This post was most recently updated on May 17th, 2015
When I was younger (and newly married, with only a part time job and no kids), I was busy all the time, doing things for other people. Need someone to work an extra shift? Sure! Want a volunteer to help staff a charitable event? You bet! Looking for someone to spend hours editing your organization’s publicity article for the newspaper and then to just rewrite it? Look no further! I had plenty of spare time and I enjoyed the feeling I got from being everyone’s “go to gal.” But as I got a little older and started having kids, I found myself still trying to be the Ultimate Girl Friday while struggling to find the time I wanted to spend with my husband and son. Then my oldest daughter came along and I felt like I was being pulled in a thousand directions – Can you serve on the board for this? Will you bake 8 pies for this event? Be here at 8:30 to sit in the booth until 4:00. I need you to go here for this, then there for that, then come back tomorrow and help put it all together. I began to resent everyone’s demands on my time when what I wanted to do was spend time with my husband and kids. Still, I hated to disappoint or let anyone down … they needed me so.
One day my husband said to me, “Why do you continue to volunteer for all these things if you don’t really want to do them?” And my reply was immediate, “Because, people depend on me.” And to that he said simply, “Well, they’d learn to depend on someone else if you told them ‘no’.” Huh. Really? Just say no? And so began my long personal journey to learn to say the N word.
No. It’s a very small word. Easy to say – it certainly rolls off my husband’s tongue easily enough. Especially in response to questions like, “Can we get another dog?” “Do I look fat in this?” “Did you go to the post office while you were in town?” 🙂 Hmmm … the first time I tried it out was on a local non-profit, with whom I’d worked for several years doing their publicity, serving as a board member and volunteer. I was approached about a third term on the board and I said, “No, I just don’t have the time to commit to the job.” They were sorry, they said, but they understood – with two small children at home, I really had my hands full, they bet. I felt amazing! Free! Powerful. So powerful that I said it again when my part time job asked me to put in more hours. And again when I was asked to be in a community theater performance that would have taken me away from my kids 3 nights a week for several weeks. I was on a roll!
Of course, not everyone was impressed with my new skill. There were those who believed me to be unbearably selfish for putting my family first. How could I waste my talents just being a stay at home mom? I was told, often, that I shouldn’t sequester myself away from the world and focus only on raising my children. After all, it was pointed out to me, I needed – no I deserved time away from them, doing things I enjoyed. And what was I going to do when my kids were grown and I had not built any kind of life without them at the center? But I stood firm and replied that my kids needed me now. And they deserved to be the focus of my attention now. And my talents, such as they may be, were certainly not being wasted on my family. If anything, being a wife and mother has challenged me more than any other job I’ve ever taken on!
It was a little difficult at first, being such a disappointment to people. But I saw how my children flourished. And my marriage grew stronger. And I grew more content with my life. And found peace and comfort in my own skin. What a lovely balm to the barbs of those who had been inconvenienced by my change from ‘yes’ girl to ‘no thank you’ girl. Over the years I have turned down many opportunities that, had they come at a different stage in my life might have been wonderful because they would have taken too much time from my family responsibilities. And there are those who continue to think me selfish and inconsiderate for “wasting” my talents making Halloween costumes, making up silly bedtime stories or funny songs about the dog. Or spending my time ferrying children to dance, soccer, basketball or football. But those who really matter to me – my husband and kids – thank me constantly for my time and my ability and most of all for learning the magic of saying ‘no’.
